英文添削

　２０２４年６月２９日公開　２０２４年度　

高３による英作文の解答と添削例

現代は現金をほとんど使わずクレジットカードや電子マネーで決済ができるキャッシュレス社会になりつつあります。こうした社会にはどのような利点、あるいは問題点があると思いますか？

Original)

• I can come up with two good aspects for it.
• Firstly, thanks to becoming the cashless society, (3) you do not have to bring no cash with you in your daily life. (3)’
• Secondly, when you do shopping at the store, (5) you will finish quickly paying the check, (6) so you need not spend waste time waiting the checkout.

(7) Therefore, you can lead a comfortable life. 　　(63語)

総評）無駄な語や繰り返しがある。具体例がなく説得力に欠ける。

詳細）Corrections(1)で誤りを正し、必要な文を加えてあります。（２）は書き換えです。　

• △ two aspects ですが、（３）の具体例が（４）（５）（６）です。Two aspectsを記述するなら、異なる具体例をFirstly, Secondlyそれぞれに加えると良いでしょう。以下に説明していきます。
• ✕　複雑。Thanks to cashless societyで十分。
• ✕ 　no 不要。do not need to have。

(3)’ ここに(4)以下と異なる具体例がないとtwo aspects が必要でないと思います。なぜなら（４）以下が、（３）の具体例となっていますから。だから、（３）‘を書かないなら、無理にFirstly, Secondlyと分ける必要はなく、具体例を詳しく書けば良いと思います。

Corrections(2)に二つに分けた場合の例文を書きました。

• △　do the shopping at a store となる。分詞構文が可能。
• △　can quickly finish paying～さらに情報が欲しい。P
• △　waste time = waiting だからシンプルに。P
• ✕　lead でなくhave。　P

７０語程度なら、Corrections2 のように、（１）general  (2)~(6)具体例　(7)結論

がシンプルで良い。

Corrections1)

• I can come up with two good aspects for it.
• Firstly, in a cashless society, (3) you do not need to have cash with you in your daily life. （3)’

(4) Secondly, when shopping at a store, (5) since you can quickly pay with a credit card, or with electronic money, (6) you need not spend waste time at a checkout.

(7) Therefore, you can have a comfortable life with cashless payment methods.

Corrections2)

• There is a beneficial respect for it.
• In a cashless society, (3) it is not necessary to carry cash in daily life.

(3)’This convenience extends to everyday activities, such as catching a usual train to school every morning. (4)(5)(6) Also, quick shopping will be possible, (and eventually it will lead to a more comfortable life / ultimately leading to a more comfortable life).

(7) Thus, you can enjoy a happy life along with the convenience of cashless payment options. (65words~68words)

　2023年３月25日公開　2022年度　

ここでは、英作文指導による解答と添削例を順次、加えていきます。

時々、受験生はご覧下さい。

問題1　大阪大学外国語学部　2017

• また、その趣味を途中で投げ出してしまわないコツになるのでないだろうか。子供のころ、だれでも、時を忘れるほど夢中になったものがあるだろう。今更などと思わずに、あの時の心のときめきを思い出してみよう。

解答)　東大合格高3の解答

Also, it would be the key to continue to (1) do the hobby (2) for a long time. When we were children, we all would have had what we could (3) indulge in without thinking of time passing. Let’s remember our excitement of those days without thinking it is too late.

添削と評価) (1) △　hobbies (2) 〇　(3)　〇

Also, it would be the key to continue to (1) (do / engage in) (our/ the) hobbies (2) (without interruption / for a long time). When we were children, we all would have had what we could (3) (indulge in / were obsessed with) without thinking of time passing. Let’s remember our excitement of those days without thinking it is too late.

Original)　神戸大学合格高3の解答

Also, this may (1) become a trick (2) of not giving up on the hobbies halfway. Probably, we (3) were all (4) absorbed in something, (5) forgetting the time, when we were children. Let’s (6) (remember excitement, we felt at that time,) without thinking it’s too late.

Corrections) (1) △　(2)　〇　(3)　〇　(4)　〇　(5)　△　(6) △　カンマ不要

Also, this may (1) be a trick (2) to ensure consistency in our hobbies. Probably, we (3) used to be all (4) engrossed in something, (5) without noticing time passing, when we were children. Let’s (6) relive those good all times, without thinking it’s too late.

 2022年 2月15日 公開 　2021年度  

☆神戸大学　英作文過去問の添削とパラフレーズ（書き換え）を紹介します。

神戸大(2)-2

• Original)
• I think that the sentence does not make sence. (2) I think that decline in the number of student studying abroad is due to dream of solving Japanese problem. (3) If we want to solve problem, (4) we have to learn about it. (5) Now, there is problem of increasing elderly people in Japan, (6) we can hear real voice of elderly people. (7) So, Japanese people don’t study abroad. (64words)

　・Corrections)

• I think that this is not true. (2) The decline in the number of students studying abroad could be due to their intentions of solving Japanese problems. (3) If so, (4) they should stay here to directly know better. (5) For instance, as they can find an issue about the increase of elderly population, (6) they’ll likely have more information from their real voices. (7) Thus, young people won’t study abroad. (65words)

評価）主張内容は理解できますが、表現の仕方、語法、主語の一貫性、単数複数の区別、そして英文構成ができれば、クリアで強い主張ができると思います。各文をP（書き直し）してありますので参考にして下さい。

※つづりが雑で誤解される可能性があります。要注意！

詳細）

• △　　this doesn’t make sense
• △　　the decline, students, their dreams, problems となるところ。

     主張内容は理解できるので△ですが採点基準次第では加点なしかも。

     I think~ 不要　なるべく使用しない。まして連続しては避ける。

• △　　studentsの話をしているのでtheyで一貫する方が良い。

最初からweならそれでも可能だが。　無駄な繰り返しです, If so で可

problem →　them

• △　　表現内容は理解できますが説明が足りません。
• ×　　ここでのproblemは　the problem of~と限定なので要the、故にthere is構文は不可。  increasing~→the decrease of ~。

peopleよりpopulation

• △　　一般表現は複数形でという鉄則を。real voices
• △　　Japanese people→Japanese students, young peopleでしょう。

2022年１月13日公開

☆　現在開講中の高２（新高３）英作文授業の生徒の解答と添削を紹介します。

授業中にどこをどう直すべきなのかを解説しています。

問題１）何によらず、これまでにできないと思っていたことが何かの拍子に突然できるようになったり、これまでよく分からずにもやもやしていたものが突然理解できたりするのは、人生における大いなる喜びの一つだと思う。そういう時はあたかも目の前の不透明なヴェールが一枚すっとはがれたような気がするのである。

解答)

Sometimes (0), .(1) in various situations, we unexpectedly find that we are able to do (2) a certain thing which (3) we have not believed we can do (4), or suddenly understand (5) what has seemed really (6) complicated (7) until that time. (8) We may have one of the greatest moments of life at such times, (9) when we feel as if (10) opaque vail (11) is lifted from our eyes.

添削と評価) (0)×(1)〇(2)△(3)△(4)△(5)×(6)〇(7)×(8)△(9)〇(10)×(11)△

Sometimes, (1) there are various situations, in which we unexpectedly find that we are able to do (2) something (that) (3) we believed we couldn’t do, (4) or suddenly reach understanding about (5) what had seemed really (6) complicated and vague (7) until now. (8) I think this is one of the greatest moments in our lives, (9) feeling as if (10) an opaque veil (11) has been lifted from our eyes.

問題２）本が分かりにくいとき、それが本のせいではなく、読者の方が未熟であるためのことがないではない。こういう場合には、読者自身の成長する日を待つよりほかに手がないであろう。同じ本を年月を経てから読み通してみると、よくわかって面白かったという経験を持つ人は少なくないと思われる。

解答)

When books are too difficult for readers (1) to understand, (2) this is not sometimes (3) due to the books, but lack of their (4) abilities. (5) In this case, (6) they can only wait for the day, (7) when they develop abilities to understand the ones. Not a few people seem to have (8) had experiences of being able to understand the ones, and (9) finding the ones interesting, when (10) they read through the same ones several years later.

添削と評価)(1)〇(2)△(3)△(4)〇(5)〇(6)△(7)△(8)△ the experience of (9)△feel them (10)〇

When books are too difficult for readers (1) to very well understand, (2) this could be, sometimes, (3) not due to the books, but the lack of their (4) reading abilities. (5) When they face these matters, (6) they will likely have nothing to do but wait for the day, (7) when their reading powers develop and let them understand. Not a few people seem to have (8) experienced being able to easily read, and (9) feel interested in the same books, when (10) rereading through them several years later.

問題３）最近はあらゆるものが自動販売機で買えるようになった。「これください」とか「いくらですか」と店員にいう必要もなくなった。買いものもたいていスーパーで間に合う。好きなものをかごに入れてレジで黙って払う。ひとり暮らしの人など、夜、寝ようとしてふと考えてみると、一日中誰とも口をきかなかったことに気がつき、用もないのに友達と電話することも珍しくない。まさに無声生活の時代である。

解答)

 Today, we can buy anything with vending machine. Now we needn’t to say (1) (2) “I’ll take this.”, or “How much is it?” (3) Usually, supermarket will do shopping. (4) Take things what we want into basket and pay money at register without say something. (5) Those who live by oneself often notice that he talked with no one that day before fell asleep, and phone to friend. (6) Exactly, it is silent age now.   

添削と評価) (1)×(2)△(, ? .) (3)×(4)×(5)×(6)△

Today, we can buy anything with vending machines. Now we needn’t say (1) to sales people, these phrases, (2) like “I’ll take this,” or “How much is it?” (3) As supermarkets will usually have almost all kinds of necessities, we have only to go shopping there. (4) We can find all things that we want to buy, put them into baskets, and pay money at a register without saying any words.

京大、阪大などトップ国立大学に塾生を送り出しています。
英文読解力と日本語力と共に、英作文力が大きなウエイトを占めます。
しかし、十分な指導が行われていないのが、現在の英語指導環境の実態です。
当塾では、少数指導に徹することでち密な添削を行っています。

一部ご紹介をします。

1 和文英訳の場合

問題）

私たちにとって真の幸福とは、他者とのつながりの中にこそ見出し得るものです。もしこの世に自分一人だとしたら、百万の富を手に入れ、贅沢三昧の暮らしをしたとて、そんなものに何の意味がありましょう。(7)苦しい生活をしていても、笑顔の絶えない家庭で暮らす方がはるかに幸せです。今日私たちが直面する最も重要な課題の一つは、人々がお互いにいつくしみ合い支え合う社会をいかに築いていくかということです。

Original)　塾生の答案　　

(1) In relations with others, (2) we can find the true of happiness.
(3) Even if only I were on the earth, (4) got a lot of fortune (5) and lived luxurious lives, (6) such things would be worthless.
(7) Also, even if our life is in poor, (8) we are happy as long as we are always smile.
(9) One of the most important challenges which today we are confronted with is how we (10) establish the society (11) that people are considerate of others and help (12) each other.

Corrections)　添削と書き換え

(2) We can find true happiness (1) in our relationships with other people. (3) If we were all alone on the earth, (4) even if we had gotten a lot of fortune (5) living our luxurious lives, (6) this would be worthless. (7) Even if we are worried about our lives, (8) we feel happy as long as our family members always have smiles. (9) One of the most important challenges today that we are confronted with is how we can (10) establish a society (11) in which people are considerate of others and help (12) one another.

塾長による例文)

True happiness won’t likely be accepted without the bond between others and us. If you were all alone on Earth, even if you’d acquired an enormous amount of wealth enough for a rich life, could this be valuable? I feel in spite of your troubles, your family lives full of smiles will create more happiness. One of the most essential topics today is to consider how to build a society that can lead everyone to support one another with consideration.

評価）無駄な言い回しや英文が少なく読みやすくなりました。語彙や文法に気をつけて、むつかしい表現はしないで書いて下さい。添削や例文での表現方法は参考に。

1.△　副詞句を文頭に持ってくるのは、強調するとか流れがいいとかの目的はあるが、ここでは必要ないと思う。relations とrelationships がありますが、広く使うのは後者です。

2.△　シンプルに

3.△　×only I were →we were all alone ひとりぼっち

4.△　we got ~

5.△　our~

6.△　シンプルに

4.(5)(6) のつなげ方　P

7.× P

8.△　×are always smile は　are always smiling とか。　P

9.△　which today →　today which / that

10.△　a特定の社会でなく一般的な社会だから、a society

11.×　in which

12.〇　each other 2人の間のお互い　one another 3人の間　でしたが最近は区別していない様子だが、one another がいいでしょう

2 自由英作文の場合

問題）

If you could invent something to make the world a better place to live, what would you invent?

Original)　塾生の答案　

I would like to invent eco-friendly cleaner.

These days, (1) I see a lot of garbage (2) such as pet bottles or plastic bags on (3) streets. (4) I also know (5) many (6) voluntears over the world (7) try to clean towns. I have attended (8) these activities (9) more than once, (10) too.

However,(11) in cities, there are huge amount of garbages (12) so that people can’t clear streets or rivers of garbages by themselves.

I think (13) it is important to rely on robots at these inevitable cases.

Eco-friendly (14) cleaner, (15) I wrote the first sentence, (16) don’t clean your room with a little enegy, (17) but clean out of your home.

Robots are different from (18) human beings (19) in that they (20) are not tired and they are able to (21) operate at their best condition all times.

(22) Now is the time (23)  when human beings cooperate with robots to reserve the environment.

Corrections）　添削と書き換え

I would like to invent an eco-friendly cleaner.

These days, (1) (I see a lot of garbage / everywhere we go, we are greeted by the sight of garbage) (2), such as pet bottles or plastic bags on (3) the streets. (4) I am also aware that (5) so many (6) volunteers over the world are (7) (trying / doing their part) to clean towns. I myself have attended (8) some of these kinds of activities (9) several times (10) before.

However, (11) there is such a huge amount of garbage everywhere, including in cities, (12) that evidently, some power besides manpower is necessary to clear the streets or rivers of garbage.

I think (13) it would be a splendid idea to have robots help in this inevitable case.

Eco-friendly (14) cleaners, (15) as mentioned in the opening sentence, (16) don’t sweep your rooms, (17) but can get rid of all wastes and garbage from places out of doors.

Robots are different from (18) men (19), in that they (20) (never get exhausted / can work tirelessly) and are able to (21) go on operating at best conditions.

(22) (Now is the time / There is no better time than now ) (23) for the cooperation of human beings with robots for environmental conservation.

評価）読みやすく、スタイルも整っています。以下

1）〇　P

2)カンマ

3）要the 一般表現でも必要で、特殊な例

4）〇　P

5）△　so がある方が流れが良い。

6) ×　spelling

7)△　進行形の方が良い。　P

8)〇　P

9)〇　P

10)〇 P

11)12) △　のつながりは、so / such~that 構文を用いると良い。

garbageは名詞なので、such~thatを使う

garbageは物質名詞で不加算。clear A of B; AからBを取り除く

12)の人だけでは無理、という表現がしたいのだろうが、P を例として示し ておきます。

13) △　推量なので would。　P

14) △　一般表現　複数

15) ×　→which I wrote in the first sentence　　P

16) △　→rooms, clean/sweep可　　P

17) ×　P

18) 〇　P

19) カンマ

20) △　疲れていない、より疲れない、という表現が欲しい

21) 〇　P

22) 23) × 21)から後のつながりは、P のように。

3 自由英作文の場合(2)

問題)

Big companies have a positive effect on society　

Original)

(1) I agree with this opinion.
(2) First, big companies can establish steady economic society.
(3) They manufacture and sell so many, good production that a lot of money are generated.  
(4) As a result, the interests give our society economic wealth.
(5) Indeed, there are many famous, big companies in advanced countries.
(6) Second, big companies affect our society in terms of population.
(7) Even though a town is a small town and it have few population, if factories of big companies are built in this town, many employments would move to this town and this town would be crowded.
(8)Big companies can help refrain decrease population in rural area and increase population in large city, too.(9) Therefore, I think big companies are important to establish good society and development society.

Corrections)
(1) I think of this idea as acceptable, that big companies have a positive effect on society.
(2) They have a great ability to steadily maintain economic conditions in a good way.
(3) They can manufacture and sell a large amount of products, and generate various resources, including huge volumes of money.
(4)They could eventually lead our society to be more wealthy.
(5) In fact, the number of the people who are not worried about their lives could (be low / actually drop) in countries where prominent firms can be seen.
(6) They will also affect the increase or decrease of the population.
(7) If, in a town with a small population, for example, a big company builds its factory, employment opportunities will likely be created, and the population would also be expected to be larger.
(8) Big company activities can help deal both with the decrease in the population of rural areas and with the rise in that of large cities.
(9) They have a potentiality to contribute to social development.

評価）全体言いたいことは分かります。
しかし、(a) wording語彙の使い方 (b)logic論理、の2点で文と文のつながりが不十分で何を言いたいのか理解しにくい所があります。
ほとんどparaphrasing書き換えをしました。表現の仕方と用いる語彙/単語を学んで下さい。
また、前にも言いましたが理由を2つ書けと条件設定されているわけではないのに、agree, first, second, thereforeとつなげるのは誤りではありませんが適切ではありません。何を求められているのかを最初に考え、英文構成を考えて下さい。使わない一案として添削がしてあります。

1.〇

2.△　steadily economic 副詞　形容詞となる。P

3.×　関係代名詞thatでは不可でby which。many, のカンマ不要。productionでなくproducts P

4.△　理解できるが、どちらかといえばジャパニーズイングリッシュ。P

5.△　英文自体に誤りはないが、(1)～(4)を踏まえての(5)とすると、読み手は、 　　”で何を言いたいのですか？”となる。例として書いてみましたP

6.△　P　　alsoひとつで次の観点に移ることができます。

7.×　5文を接続詞でつなぐのはまだ避けるべき。シンプルな英文が書けるな らつなぐのも良いが、今は避けたほうが良い。ピリオドで5文に分けて もいいんですよ。wordingと文法ミスもある。

A town is a small town.→ A town is small.  have→has,

8.〇little population,  the factories of .of 以下で限定されるのでthe many employments以下は(3)同様日本語発想　→many people P  

×　一般表現では複数使用をしなさい。　areas, cities  wording も書き換えのようにする。

9. ×　good society and development societyはたとえば、good and developmental societyのように無駄語を省くこと。big companies are important for establishing~ となる